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June 20, 2005 • Monday

Life Begins in the Summer

I wanna feel freeeeeeeeeeeeee. i wanna fly. i wanna not feel anything but pure happiness and ecstacyyyyyy. no anger. no emptiness.

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June 15, 2005 • Wednesday

Second Chance
Current mood: hopeful


It's kinda scary how everyone you know will inevitably die in 100 years, yet it gives me comfort to think about all the chances we get to fix up our lives when we screw up or to live one last beautiful moment before we die. What if it's your own soul, no matter how tormented or enlightened, is the very thing that gives you the power to decide whether it's your time's up? Like what if you ODeed on both crack and crystal meth, but then miraculously show up to work the next day? What if it's a nonphysical thing, where you're emotionally and mentally ready to die and then actually do? Who gives us these chances to live again? God? Will it even matter what i believe in when evrything that i know or have grown to know is nonexistent?

All of this doubting ends up kicking me in the ass, because the only solution i can get to all of these questions is God with a capital G! No matter what shit happens in my life; no matter what lost or grief, i always end up coming back Home to God. Maybe I've been conditioned that way. Scientists can only dream of the complete capabilities of the human mind, and perhaps religion is a made up idea of the human kind, to provide answers to all of the worl'd's mysteries, that people have formed over the past thousands of years. Gosh, isnt blasphemy a deadly sin? Who fuckin decides what a deadly sin is anyways? Well, besides all this technical bull shit, and whether my Faith really exists or not, it's the only thing that keeps me from falling deeper into the depths of hell that we, human beings, DO have the power to create ourselves on earth.

This "earthly hell" i think has alot to do with that special gift from God, we call EMOTION, not emotion ITSELF but how we manage, deveolope, and deal with our feelings. Its is written, "No one can make you feel anything without your consent." It's hard to discipline your own instincts to not feel pain (or at least not show it in the slightest way) when you are hurt or to cry when you've reached nirvana (if you're usually that "crying-type"). Emotions has its downsides, but what would living be like without it? i dont even think it would be called "living."

Emotions do cloud the truth sometimes, but i have come to believe that no matter how much of an idiot or a stupid ass we feel like, the Truth, with a capital T, lies just beneath the surface. And what more can you do to get closer to the Truth than to embrace our emotions even when it deepens the wounds of our hearts. Heck, emotion is what drives human beings to accomplish great things! That very emotion that fluctuated from making me feel like the happiest person on Earth, to making me wanna end it right here and now, comes from the same place that makes me wanna keep on living. Some times i dont know for what, but im sure its for something...

So one thing's certain: Shutting away your feelings wont make you happy. Even if nothing is everlasting in this world, have a little Faith along with your humanly emotions, to find out the Truth. Some day things will get better, maybe not for you, but for someone else out there that you might care about (or deny to). Maybe they'll get a second chance at something that you would never dream of? A second chance at forgiveness, at love, at happiness, at life? Maybe this will give you a little comfort to wake up each morning and make better choices during the day?

This is my second chance...

...And I'm taking it.




Currently listening:
Braveheart: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
By James Horner
Release date: By 23 May, 1995


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June 5, 2005 • Sunday

The Truth Part II
Current mood: blah


The other half of my story...well most of it.

The earliest memory i have is of my dad changing my diapers haha isnt that weird? but yeah uhh the next memory is of my older brother who ended up passing away a few months later. Alot of my earlier blogs are of him. The day of his death and the following funeral are all memories so clear to me, even if i was 3. My sister blocked those memories out of her memory, so sometimes when we have our random conversations that are so serious, you forget to cry, i remind her of how things were. My whole family was at the house and she was just with my auntie in my bed...sore eyes and a blank stare. i remember dancing around, not because i didnt know what was going on and not because i didnt care... i dont know what it was but i know it wasnt any of those reasons. I guess thats just the way I am... I brush things off easily or i know that things are happening but i chose not to react on them the conventional way. Or maybe i was just too young to be attached to anything. i wish i was too young now to feel that same way. I may look young but the shit that always come my way age my soul...maybe not my spirit, it has definitely made the way i think different from others.

My mom didnt really get along my dad's side of the family. I dont know why, but i do know that she got into a fight with her ex best friend, who was my dad's sister. My dad's family wanted my mom and dad to get a divorce. Of course My parents got into a lot of fights, even before my brother died. My sister told me all about them, and how she found a letter to my dad from another girl. Over the years after my brother died, the feud ended between my mom and my dad's family, but the fights never ended there. My dad was still abusive toward my sister and my mom when ever he got really mad.They were rare times, but i dont think he ever hit my mom more than 3 times over the 30 years they've been together. I hid in the closet with my books and a flashlight and some times under the nearest bed. My parents' bed was the kind that changes its form with the press of a button. They were lots of metal underneath so i used to get all these scabs on my legs crawling through. I'm glad that nowadays i only get those scabs from shortflags or from shaving.

At age 6 i remember i started counting everytime they fought. I counted up to 8 and i stopped there. "Till death do we part, eh?"...My dad threw things at me but he never laid a hand on me. I remember him throwing my Harry Potter book at me once when my sister and i got into a really big fight. That's effing random. i would get really sick and asthmatic whenever my da would yell at me. My mom always got mad and was scared that'd i'd end up like my brother. My sister did poorly at school so my mom sent her to private school. She did better in school, but i dont think they realized how depressed she was. Never the less they made up their mind that "private schools were the best thing in the world." Their ignorance makes me sick.

A year after my brother died, my mom took my sister and I to the east coast and to Canada. i love going to high buildings and looking out into the world. I was such a brat. I wanted to go everywhere! i have videos of me crying my ass off in canada and whining that i wanted to go swimming and other videos showing me trying to walk like like sum cheap ass model in New York. I loved traveling! When i got back, the rest of my adventures were only though imagination. My cousins and i would pretend we were Indians in my grama's backyeard which was like a FOREST!! and we collected leaves, rocks, anything we could find. Then one day we found a kittens hidden behind a bush. We took 'em ofcourse, by my grama found out and set them free. That sucked. When my family would go to fancy dinners or balls, we were usually out and about in the other ballrooms pretending we were ballerinas or playing hide and go seek. All of these memories make me so happy and overshadow all the bad times in my life. Sometimes i get so peaceful that i wish i could just die right at that very moment so that nothing could ruin it.

I was a tomboy growing up but i didnt play with the boys until 2nd grade. in the first grade i locked a couple of boys in the bathroom with my friends. When they got in trouble, i turned my self in. That summer i went to the PI. I love it there and i would definitely live there if i could. In 2nd grade, i was this odd lil girl who played with the girls but chilled with the boys. My best friends were mostly guys. I was the Handball champion, too! haha That year i joined the theatre arts and i fell in love with it! In the 3rd grade the first guy who ever liked me told me on Valentines day! omg his mom came up to me and told me that her son had to tell me something. IT WAS SO CUTE! "It was so cool having a guy liking you cuz they save you from dodge ball and nation and always let you have the ball to throw back!" In the the 5th grade i auditioned for a solo for the Torrance Undified District choral festival and i got it! From that point on i was known for my voice... i wanted to be a singer!

The way i understand my dad is that he's the sweetest dad out there, when he feels somewhat in control. Even my friends think he's too nice, like he doesn too much shit for me. He spoils me rotten, but when he gets mad, he gets mad. His anger usualy subsides a few days after...more like 2 days after. He's kinda like me, except that I'm more like my mom when i get mad. My sister is totally like my dad when she gets mad. It's like they're freaking one person, except one is affraid of the other. I make fun of because of that, no matter how serious the arguement is. i think it makes it even more of a serious arguement refering back to the past. My mom and I never could stay friends for a long time. I remember threatening to run away when i was 4, i packed my little lunch pail with toys and i told her i was going away, becuase she didnt let me go outside to play. "It's too dangerous." Ten minutes later she made me a bowl of Fruit Loops and i waited for her to finish ironing the family's clothes. My mom and I didnt fully get along until i met my last boyfriend. My mom and I had a cool relationship. She knew what i was going through and she told me she knew i was in love with him, but after we broke up i couldnt tell her anything about him anymore. I was ashamed to had been with someone who didnt love me as much as my parents, who couldnt appreciate the person who i was, the person that my mom worked to care for all her life. I was so ashamed that i let someone like him take away my innocence. I felt so ashamed to be her daughter.

I used to think that crying makes you look so weak and that you should never deny yourself of finding that strength in you to keep those tears from shedding. I used to think that as long as you don't cry, you'll be okae, but now i believe that the best thing you could do for yourself is to cry. Alcohol and drugs will never pacify nor purify your soul. It will only add to your sickness, curing it from anymore goodness that is left. The very strength to let go of your pain, your anger, your very sense of control, in droplets of water that you will never see again- that is what makes you feel truly free. No matter how much it makes you look ugly the next day, or how much it makes your stomach ache, don't let yourself drown in your own tears. Let it all out.

Let it all out.


Currently listening:
Love & Basketball: Music From The Motion Picture
By Original Soundtrack
Release date: By 18 April, 2000


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May 27, 2005 • Friday

The Truth
Current mood: touched

This is sortve my life story. dont read it if you get bored easily cuz it kinda is and its such a long story...well at least half of it.

Tuesday was a usual school day, but after school i went to St. Catherine's like i planned. I sat in the same spot i sat during graduation and during the "Passing of the Torch" Student Council Ceremony. I prayed to God that he would come back into my life and just take over it so that my life can get better. I started crying just thinking about how happy i was in 8th grade because i was so close to God and i just wanted that connection back. i wanted that feeling of security, of peace, and of freedom.

The summer before 8th grade was awesome. I had won Wango Tango tickets and VIP passes. i took my dad. my sister, and one of my best friends with me. A month later i was in a plane with my two cousins to Virginia where my life changed. Crazy nights skinny dipping, eating all the seafood we could find, Warped Tour, tubing at the lake, shopping at every mall in the state, modeling, themeparks, road trips to New York...it was all about having fun. Coming from a very strict filipino family, I was so thankful to God and i didnt let one moment pass me by...then i fell in love with this awesome dude who always made me laugh. Every moment with him left my heart burning with passion..hahah yes passion at 13. Did i mention that he was a soccer player who traveled around the nation to compete? wow...hahah he took my breath away. But then just like that he lost my trust and i immediately didnt wanna be around him anymore. Evey single thing that used to be funny to me was sickening and gross. He didnt do anything to me, but he snitched on my older cousin to his mom and that just wasnt cool. You could do whatever you want to me...i'll always forgive you but when u hurt someone i love, it's over. For the rest of the summer i forgot he was there and only exchanged glances with him once in a while. We stayed friends and wrote to each other weeks after. I learned so much about myself that summer. Despite shit that happened in Virginia Beach, I never wanted to leave. But ofcourse my parents made me...one of my cousins who came with me stayed for a year. I came back to California crying. School started but everyday was so different. 'Till this day, whenever i feel sad i always think back to those wonderful summer nights. I miss them so much.

8th grade to graduation was the best school year, second to 6th. Despite all the usual broken hearts during the year, all of that heartache forced me to look deep into myself when i felt lost. I discovered this hidden strength that somehow i always had. It was from everyone who loved me...it was from God. Earlier in the year, a famous icon of Our Lady of Guadalupe visited our school and i left her a note with all my dreams in it. I thanked her for my family and friends...i prayed for me to go into modeling/acting school...and i prayed for finding that special person... someone i refered to as "Him" in the letter. When summer came, and betrayal broke my heart again, i forgot about that strength i had deep down inside.

That summer i auditioned for acting/modeling school and got in. i got a partial scholarship and my dad payed for the rest. the day my dad signed that check showed me how much he loved me. I forgave him for all the times he's hurt me that day. Freshmen year was ok. BASKETBALL WAS HELLA FUN! Although my modeling school and basketball made me so happy i was still empty inside because of what heartbreak happened over the summer and because of one more thing. I lost touch of one of my best friends, Genevieve, and it was only until the end of the school year and after the most emotional and devastating fight i have ever had, that we became close again. That year, Gen moved away and we are still the bestest of friends.

When summer came after freshmen year, i was busy learning how to dance jazz and swing. I hung out with a lot of alot of college folk and got into some former bad habits i had from the summer after 8th grade. I went out so much and had a lot of fun...some days those bad habits would come back, but everything was kept in moderation and i learned how to control myself. That was the only time i felt alive again, which is kinda pathetic, but what else could you have done? I lost God, i lost love, but most importantly i lost myself. The only way i could save my sanity was by going out into the world outside my home and juss being able to breathe the natural air deeply in...My best friend Lori saved my life.

Sophmore year came and everything seemed so perfect. Something in me came back and i was again going to church because i really wanted to.I finally got over this one dude i had been in and out of love with since the 6th grade. i was talking to this one dude who seemed to make my heart stop. School was doing well, but i wasnt doing basketball, and i had stopped going to modeling school becasue it took so much of time and especially of my dad cuz he was driving me 45 minutes to school 3 times a week. My auntie made me in charge of planning my cousin's debut cotillion, which gave me an opportunity to hang out with people my age. The guy i was talking to seemed to not know what he wanted and played me. i got over him quickly. I just kept going and nothing held me back.

In october, i met one of my best guy friends. I had a lot of really close guy friends but this dude juss understood me the most. Maybe its cuz him and my best friend Gen have the same zodiac signs lol iono but yeah... I ended up wanting to be more than just friends with him, but one of my best girlfriends liked him, too, but didn't wanna be with him. I met this other dude, that gave me this wierd feeling that i had never felt before. I tired to hold it back and pretend that it was never there because i liked someone else, too, so i tried to stop thinking about him and chose not to talk to him anymore.

The feelings i had for the guy i tried not to talk to was getting stronger and stronger and just made me more confused. There was something about this guy that i juss couldnt forget. My best friend was still not ready for a new relationship and he didnt want me to look like a rebound. Friends was what me and my best friend and I could only be and i think that was the best decision we both could have ever made. He made me promise him that i wouldn't stop myself from talking to the next guy who would come along and i did. We still went to the movies and other places as just friends and nothing happened between us. I was glad nothing did because right after my best friend and I made the descision to just move on, I realized that the guy who i was trying not to feel for was somehow still waiting for me. My best friend gave me more space.

Although my new guy was so angry about me going to the movies with my best friend while me and him were talking, we still managed to continue seeing each other, but he kept bitching about the whole movie thing and kept saying that i might be like that during our relationship. I tried to explained to him that me and my best friends were honestly just best friends and nothing would ever happen between us.

This guy assured me that he was ready for a serious relationship (as in "im comitted to you and im with you you now to be with you later...and not all that "lets hook up" bullshit") cuz thats all i wanted. I was tired of just "playing around" with guys and i knew i was so over it and stuff. We finally got together but even before that it already seemed like we already were. Like we didnt have to say anything and yet everything was at its place. I was so surprized how quickly i fell in love with him.

He was everything i could ever wished for. He was the one i prayed to God in the letter and i was just so happy with him. It got really hard at times, but everything was worth it because i knew he was the love of my life. Other guys would make my heart beat faster but without him my heart couldnt beat at all. I was crazy about him. He showed this part of him that i dont think anyone has ever seen. He did so much for me and i did the same. He completed me, there were some things that were juss too secretive about him. Like he was hiding something from me. I was Ok with it and juss tryed to understand, but the fact that i was the one holding up the relationship came to surface and that broke my heart. Maybe he wasnt ready for a relationship after all.

When ever he would complain about my best friend I told him that it happened when i wasnt comitted to him yet and that for me everything changes when i can actually say i am with you. My best friend was now seeing my girlfriend and everything was just perfect to me. He still hated my best friend and i just had to understand him and accept it. Maybe that was a really BIG sign that i shouldnt have gotten with him, but for some reason i just kept loving him. My friends tried to tell me how things were but i just unconsciously nodded yes. During the last few months of our relationship i was going through a really hard time and all i wanted to do was talk to him or be around him or for him to juss let me know that he cares. He ignored my calls and stopped seeing me.

My old best friend from 6th grade came back into my life and i would juss talk to him more about my problems. I asked him why he was always there for me, and he said that he went through what i went through but he wished that he would just had someone to talk to about it. My friend Gen and I would 3-way him and stuff, and it would be like 6th grade again. That gave me the comfort i needed, but when my boyfriend would come into mind my world would just come crashing down. I didnt know what to do. i just knew i need to talk to him about it.

When we finally talked everything seemed to be ok. He said that he was getting too busy and stressed out that he couldnt handle a relationship with me, although he loved me. he apologized for not telling me that he needed space, but he was just so confused because he knew that i loved him so much...something like that...I told myself to just forgive him for his mistakes and after that night, everything seemed back to normal. Two days later something in his head told him to leave me.

It was so hard and confusing because he told me to wait for him but i didnt know what we were. We were still talking to each other and i know the love was still there, but we always got into fights cuz was always out and about with my guy friends and venting to them on the phone, but i needed to feel alive again. I felt like he killed me and i needed to save at least one part of me. It got to the point where we both were making each other so mad that we stopped listening to each other. When we would make up, we would just get back arguing again because he was just being such a jerk and being that guy i was so affraid that i would ever fall in love with..

When i heard that he was seeing other girls it broke my heart because he didnt say anything to me or tell me not to wait for him anymore. i felt betrayed by the one guy i ever fully gave my heart to, but i guess i deserved it for hurting him, too. In the end, my friends were always there for me and were a big help in explaining that he was always like that and that i loved him to much to see how he really was. Love is blind and I'm a fool, but now i'm closer to God than i ever was. No matter how many signs i see that point to him, I'm just not mad anymore. I'm not resentful but thankful that he came into my life. The thought of him smiling gives me peace.

Last night, Gen and I spent the whole time singing oldschool asian songs and other love songs from way back in the 6th and 8th grade. gosh those asain songs are so freaking gay but sokehow listening to them made me really happy lol

One of the songs that alwasy remind me and lynelle of summer 2002 "dilemma" by nelly and kelly. My dad was in the background singing it...its "our song" hahaha like instead of "Nelly" its "daddy". he sings along with me its so freakin cool! haha i love him!

Summer is Oh so close. I wonder what it wil bring me this year...more freedom or heartbreak iono...but i can't wait...i won't...

Currently listening:
Dilemma
By Nelly (Ft Kelly Rowland)
Release date: By 14 October, 2002


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May 23, 2005 • Monday

The Sun is Still Rising
Current mood: calm

I wish that could be true because a part of me still thinks that it's a long way from dawn. I'm doing better each day i think. The more i write it down the lesser tears roll down my cheeks later on. I understand everything now. I still have questions but i accept that they will never be answered. My faith in God alone keeps me content, and i hope He will keep me there for as long as it takes, until i am finally free. My definition of liberty has changed. It's not just being freed from chains cast by other's deceit. It's also about being freed from chains cast by the darkening of your own heart. The very thing that i was affraid of is happening slowly, but I AM trying so hard to prevent that. That's why i keep writing aka blogging.

My dad once told me that a person will always exist if you remember their name. Tomorrow, the 24th of May, someone's gonna die. It's not me, and it's not anyone that we know, but it is someone that ceased to exist in my world. Starting tomorrow they no longer will be remembered. Iono if you understand what i mean. I'm so wierd, but let me know if you do. I'm gonna go to my old parish tomorrow and light some candles...


There's officially 6 more days of school and 3 days of finals left. The summer really needs to come by soon, preferably NOW! =]

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May 21, 2005 • Saturday

PROM NIGHT 2005
Current mood: amused

OSCARRRRRRR THANK YOUUUU FOR TAKINNNNGGGGG MEEEEHHHHH!!!!! YOOOOOUUUUURRR SUCH A GENTLEMAN PAYING FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHINGGGGGG! WOW IM SO LUCKY I GOT TO GO TO PROM WITH YOU!

This night is going to be one of the most memorable moments in my life. dude, i wonder what my own prom at bishop is gon be like. If this was sohpmore year was awesome, then i hope senior prom is even better! It reminded me so much of my 8th grade graduation dance lol everything was just so happy! JAE MADE IT EVEN MORE BETTER CUZ HE CAN DO THE BODY ROLLLLL hahahahahaha not juss any body roll but a body roll with meeee hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAahahaha

I realized something really important at this dance...

I hope i will always remember...

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May 19, 2005 • Thursday

A Heart of Stone
Current mood: scared

I knew i was doing the right thing to follow my heart, but i think it was too late. I can't change any of that now, but i have to focus on what i can do now to help me heal all of these scars on my soul, that never seem to fade. I keep praying to God to help out yeno? i keep praying that at least for one day, thoughts of him would never appear in my mind, that maybe i could have at least one peaceful night sleep, without a dream of him or without waking up in the middle of the night because of seeing his face. "God, I'm down on my knees. Please me help out." What's makes it even more difficult for me to keep my peace are the signs that pop out of no where, when im not even thinking of him. They just leave me in watery eyes, that stay that way until i go to sleep, but then as usual, i dream again, and everything repeats itself the next day. "God, help me get over this. Help me not remember the good times and the bad. I dont want to remember it at all because it hurts me, Lord. It does, and i can't stand it anymore. I'm tired. I just want peace in my life."
I don't understand why this is happening to me again. Why havent i learned? "God, I know you are trying to prepare me for something. i don't know what, but please keep me strong. Give me the heart to forgive. Give me the heart that is strong enough to endure the world's heartache but one that will never turn bitter." That is what I'm affraid of: I don't want a heart of stone.

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May 16, 2005 • Monday

Since September of last year
Current mood: content

No school today. All of my final projects are due tmr, but i'm not even stressed. Wow. 10 more days of school left! Summer is gon be awesome. Shortflags, summer school, possibly a job, then endless nights juss cruising around socali, or just chillin with homies. Parents are goin to Europe for a while and you know what that means...

I woke up pretty early this morning...read all of my blogs since September of last year and i realized how much I've changed because of one person...well actually 3. But yeah i felt like deleting some of them but i know i need to be surrounded by things of the past in order to accept it. I've sacrificed so much...including my health in some ways. I know what love is, and my blogs have reminded me how much i understood it. My recent actions though, proved me wrong, but now I remember who i am, and after reading my blogs i think imma be OK. Im pretty well grounded now, except for my dreams.

I pray to God every night to wake me up from this dream...this nightmare that continues to haunt my thoughts during the day. I get scared of going to sleep sometimes because i know i will dream such pretty dreams but then wake up crying and cursing them to go away. i just want peace in my life. I know if i just surrender everything to God, He'll take care of everything.

I've been running more. When i get bored i run to the park and then around the track and then back again...haha. I went to the St. Anthony's fiesta with some of my greatest friends this weekend. I realized how much i missed just chilling with them, cruising around, and what not. I went to mass at the same church i went to when i was scared to death about this situation, that could have changed my life forever, just last year. I remember crying when i saw this lil kid who looked at me and smiled. I prayed to God to take care of me and he did. Now I was at the same church and i was beggin God to help again with another situation, caused by the same person, but this time i was alone. The priest said that some times it takes a while for God to change our circumstances. We must let him. We must do what is right for as long as it takes and we must change ourselves.

I'm back now. I think the remnants of the pill has finally gone away.

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April 19, 2005 • Tuesday

Personal Reform
Current mood: good

I'm going to seek forgiveness.
I'm going to follow my dreams.
I'm going to start auditioning again.
I'm going to follow my heart.
I'm going to keep my focus.
Commitments to school,
shortflags,
career,
relationships,
&hobbles,
-they are all worth it

no more unneccesary lies.
no more unneccessary judging.
no more of "selling myself short."
no more unhealthy decisions.
no more fucking around.
"the end of the 7 deadly sins"

I will laugh.
I will smile.
I will cry.
I will be true to myself and to others.

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